But We Both Know Im Going to Look at It Again
Gozer: [after Ray orders her to re-locate] Are you a God?
[Ray looks at Peter, who nonchalantly nods yes]
Dr. Raymond Stantz: No.
Gozer: Then... DIE!
[Lightning flies from her fingers, driving the Ghostbusters to the edge of the roof and almost off; people below scream]
Winston Zeddemore: Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say "YES"!
Dr. Peter Venkman: All right! This chick is TOAST!
[Egon is running tests on Louis, who has been possessed by Vinz Clortho and is now the Keymaster]
Dr. Egon Spengler: Vinz, you said before you were waiting for a sign. What sign are you waiting for?
Louis: Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!
Janine Melnitz: Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?
Winston Zeddemore: Ah, if there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you say.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Personally, I liked the university. They gave us money and facilities, we didn't have to produce anything! You've never been out of college! You don't know what it's like out there! I've WORKED in the private sector. They expect *results*.
Dr. Peter Venkman: We've been going about this all wrong. This Mr. Stay Puft's okay! He's a sailor, he's in New York; we get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble!
Dana Barrett: [as The Gatekeeper] I want you inside me.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [referring to her radical change in personality] Go ahead! No, I can't. It sounds like you've got at least two or three people in there already.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Symmetrical book stacking. Just like the Philadelphia mass turbulence of 1947.
Dr. Peter Venkman: You're right, no HUMAN BEING would stack books like this.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What I'd really like to do is talk to Dana. Dana? It's Peter.
Dana Barrett: There is no Dana, there is only Zuul.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Oh, Zuulie, you nut, now c'mon. Just relax, c'mon. I want to talk to Dana. Dana, Dana. Can I talk to Dana?
Dana Barrett: [in an inhuman demonic voice] There is no Dana, only Zuul!
Dr. Peter Venkman: What a lovely singing voice you must have.
[Persuading the mayor to let them stop a supernatural upheaval]
Dr. Peter Venkman: If I'm wrong, nothing happens! We go to jail - peacefully, quietly. We'll enjoy it! But if I'm *right*, and we *can* stop this thing... Lenny, you will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters.
Winston Zeddemore: I'm Winston Zeddmore, Your Honor. I've only been with the company for a couple of weeks, but these things are real. Since I joined these men, I've seen shit that'll turn you white.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Gozer the Gozerian... good evening. As a duly designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [Sarcastically] That oughta do it. Thanks very much, Ray.
Janine Melnitz: You're very handy, I can tell. I bet you like to read a lot, too.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Print is dead.
Janine Melnitz: Oh, that's very fascinating to me. I read a lot myself. Some people think I'm too intellectual but I think it's a fabulous way to spend your spare time. I also play raquetball. Do you have any hobbies?
Dr. Egon Spengler: I collect spores, molds, and fungus.
Dr. Egon Spengler: I have a radical idea. The door swings both ways, we could reverse the particle flow through the gate.
Dr. Peter Venkman: How?
Dr. Egon Spengler: [hesitates] We'll cross the streams.
Dr. Peter Venkman: 'Scuse me Egon? You said crossing the streams was bad!
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Cross the streams...
Dr. Peter Venkman: You're gonna endanger us, you're gonna endanger our client - the nice lady, who paid us in advance, before she became a dog...
Dr. Egon Spengler: Not necessarily. There's definitely a VERY SLIM chance we'll survive.
[pause while they consider this]
Dr. Peter Venkman: [slaps Ray] I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it! LET'S DO IT!
Winston Zeddemore: [all get up to get ready] This job is definitely not worth $11,500 a year.
Louis: [Louis, as the possessed Keymaster Vinz Clortho, runs out of Central Park, scaring a married couple] I am the Keymaster! The Destructor is coming. Gozer the Traveler, the Destroyer.
[Louis pants and sniffs, then notices a horse carriage; horse neighs]
Louis: Gatekeeper.
[Walk over towards the horse]
Louis: I am Vinz, Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer. Volguus Zildrohar, Lord of the Sebouillia. Are you the Gatekeeper?
Coachman: Hey, he pulls the wagon, I made the deals. You want a ride?
[the possessed Louis growls at the coachman with his red-glowing eyes]
Louis: [to the horse] Wait for the sign. Then our prisoners will be released.
[Runs amok, scaring bystanders; yelling]
Louis: You will perish in flame, you and all your kind! Gatekeeper!
Coachman: What an asshole.
Winston Zeddemore: Hey Ray. Do you believe in God?
Dr Ray Stantz: Never met him.
Winston Zeddemore: Yeah, well, I do. And I love Jesus's style, you know.
Dr Ray Stantz: The entire roof cap is made out of a magnesium-tungsten alloy...
Winston Zeddemore: What are you so involved with over there?
Dr Ray Stantz: These are the blueprints for structural ironwork of Dana Barret's apartment building, and they are very, very strange.
Winston Zeddemore: Hey Ray. Do you remember something in the bible about the last days when the dead would rise from the grave?
Dr Ray Stantz: I remember Revelations 6:12...?And I looked, and he opened the sixth seal, and behold, there was a great earthquake. And the sun became as black as sack cloth, and the moon became as blood."
Winston Zeddemore: "And the seas boiled and the skies fell."
Dr Ray Stantz: Judgement day.
Winston Zeddemore: Judgement day.
Dr Ray Stantz: Every ancient religion has its own myth about the end of the world.
Winston Zeddemore: Myth? Ray, has it ever occurred to you that maybe the reason we've been so busy lately is 'cause the dead HAVE been rising from the grave?
Dr Ray Stantz: [Pause] How 'bout a little music?
Winston Zeddemore: Yeah.
[clearing away tables in the dining room to make room for the ghost trap]
Dr. Raymond Stantz: I've gotta get this in the clear...!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Wait, wait, wait! I've always wanted to do this...
[He yanks a tablecloth off of a table, overturning and shattering everything except the centerpiece in the middle]
Dr. Peter Venkman: [triumphantly] And the flowers are still standing!
Dr. Raymond Stantz: I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy us. Mr. Stay Puft!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Nice thinkin', Ray.
[Dana Barrett has just transformed into a demon]
Dr. Peter Venkman: OK... so... she's a dog...
[business is terrible at Ghostbusters]
Janine Melnitz: [answers the phone] Hello, Ghostbusters... Yes, of course they're serious... You do?... You have?... No kidding! Just gimme the address... Oh sure, they will be totally discreet. Thank you!
[hangs up]
Janine Melnitz: WE GOT ONE!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Egon, what do you think?
Dr. Egon Spengler: [looking up and blinding Peter with his headlamp] She's telling the truth. At least, she thinks she is.
Dana Barrett: Well, of course I'm telling the truth! Who would make up a story like that?
Dr. Peter Venkman: [becoming suave] Some are people who just want attention. Others, just nutballs who come in off the street.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: You know what it could be? Past-life experience intruding on present time.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Could be race memory stored in the collective unconscious. I wouldn't rule out clairvoyance or telepathic contact either.
Dana Barrett: I'm sorry, I don't believe in any of those things.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, that's all right. I don't either.
[Dana has described seeing the demon Zuul in her refrigerator]
Dr. Peter Venkman: Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.
Walter Peck: Hold it! I want this man arrested! Captain, these men are in criminal violation of the Environmental Protection Act! And this explosion is a direct result of it!
Dr. Egon Spengler: YOUR MOTHER!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Hee hee hee! "Get her!" That was your whole plan, huh, "get her." Very scientific.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Janine, someone with your qualifications would have no trouble finding a top-flight job in either the food service or housekeeping industries.
[phone rings]
Dr. Peter Venkman: You gonna answer that?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Ray, pretend for a moment that I don't know anything about metallurgy, engineering, or physics, and just tell me what the hell is going on.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: You never studied.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Let me tell you something about myself. I come home from work to my place and all I have is my work. There's nothing else in my life!
Dana Barrett: Dr. Venkman...
Dr. Peter Venkman: I meet you, and I say, my God, there's someone with the same problem I have.
Dana Barrett: Yes. We both have the same problem. You!
Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm gonna go for broke. I am madly in love with you.
Dana Barrett: I don't believe this. Will you please leave?
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to an invisible audience] And then she threw me out of her life. She thought I was a creep, she thought I was a geek, and she probably wasn't the first.
Dana Barrett: You are so odd.
Woman at Party: [coming up to Louis during party] Do you have any Excedrin or extra-strength Tylenol?
Louis: [opening cabinet] Gee, I think all I got is acetylsalicylic acid, generic. See, I can get six hundred tablets of that for the same price as three hundred of a name brand. That makes good financial sense, good advice...
[takes platter back into living room]
Louis: Hey, this is real smoked salmon from Nova Scotia, Canada, $24.95 a pound! It only cost me $14.12 after tax, though.
[walks up to a hapless guest, speaking confidentially]
Louis: I'm givin' this whole thing as a promotional expense, that's why I invited clients instead of friends. You havin' a good time, Mark?
[heads across the room, greeting other guests]
Louis: How you doing? Why don't you have some of the brie, it's at room temperature!
[to the Tall Woman]
Louis: You think it's too warm in here for the brie?
Tall Woman at Party: [standing] Louis, I'm going home.
Louis: Aw, don't leave yet. Well, listen, maybe if we start dancing other people will join in!
Tall Woman at Party: [pauses] Okay!
[Louis and the Tall Woman begin disco dancing. Suddenly the doorbell rings]
Louis: Oh, don't move, I just gotta get the door.
[opens door, greeting guests]
Louis: Ted! Annette! I'm glad you could come, how you doin', give me your coats. Everybody, this is Ted and Annette Fleming! Ted has a small carpet cleaning business in receivership; Annette's drawing a salary from a deferred bonus from two years ago! They got fifteen thousand left on the house at eight percent.
[throws the guests' coats in the closet, oblivious that they hit the demon Vinz Clortho hiding there]
Louis: So they're okay! So, does anybody wanna play Parcheesi?
[Vinz Clortho growls from inside the bedroom]
Louis: [grinning] Okay, who brought the dog?
[Dana, possessed by "The Gatekeeper," answers the door]
Dana Barrett: Are you the Keymaster?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Not that I know of.
[She slams the door in his face. Venkman knocks again]
Dana Barrett: Are you the Keymaster?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes. Actually I'm a friend of his, he asked me to meet him here.
[as Dana puts strings on her cello, Ray is being interviewed by Joe Frankin on television]
Joe Franklin: As they say in T.V., I'm sure there's one big question on everybody's mind, and I imagine you are the man to answer that. How is Elvis, and have you seen him lately?
[Dana is possessed]
Dr. Peter Venkman: I make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people.
[Dana starts passionately making out with him, moaning audibly]
Dr. Peter Venkman: Actually, it's more of a guideline than a rule...
[Louis has been possessed by Vinz Clortho a.k.a. The Keymaster]
Janine Melnitz: Do you want some coffee, Mr. Tulley?
Louis: [to Egon] Do I?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Yes, have some.
Louis: [to Janine] Yes, have some.
Walter Peck: I'm Walter Peck, from the Environmental Protection?
[Venkman shakes hands with Peck and still has ectoplasm on his hands]
Walter Peck: Agency, the third district.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [Peck is wiping the ectoplasm on his jacket] Great, how's it going down there?
Walter Peck: Are you Peter Venkman?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes, I'm *Doctor* Venkman!
Walter Peck: Exactly what are you a doctor of, Mr. Venkman?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, I have a PhD in parapsychology and psychology.
Walter Peck: And now, you catch ghosts?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah, you could say that.
Walter Peck: And how many ghosts have you caught, Mr. Venkman?
Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm not at liberty to say.
Walter Peck: And where do you put these ghosts, once you catch them?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Into a storage facility.
Walter Peck: And would this storage facility be located on these premises?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes.
Walter Peck: And may I see this storage facility?
Dr. Peter Venkman: No.
Walter Peck: And why not, Mr. Venkman?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Because you did not use the magic word.
Walter Peck: What is the magic word, Mr. Venkman?
Dr. Peter Venkman: [looking surprised] Please!
Walter Peck: May I *please* see the storage facility, Mr. Venkman?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why do you want to see the storage facility?
Walter Peck: Because I'm curious. I wanna know more about what you do here! Frankly, I've heard alot of wild stories in the media and we want to assess any possibility of dangerous and possibly hazardous waste chemicals in your basement.
[Peck is angered]
Walter Peck: Now you either *show me* what is down there, or I come back with a court order.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [Venkman snaps back] You go get a court order, and I'll sue your funny ass for wrongful prosecution.
Walter Peck: You can have it your way, Mr. Venkman.
Hotel Manager: [snaps his finger] Mr. Smith, quickly. I want that door open NOW!
[points at the guy]
Hotel Manager: Donald, stand over there.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [after capturing Slimer] We came, we saw, we kicked its ass.
Hotel Manager: Did you see it? What is it?
Dr. Raymond Stantz: [holding ghost trap like a rat by the tail] We got it.
Hotel Manager: What is it? Will there be any more of them?
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Sir, what you had there is what we refer to as a focused, non-terminal, repeating phantasm or a class-five full-roaming vapor. A real nasty one, too.
Dr. Peter Venkman: And now...
[Peter clears his throat]
Dr. Peter Venkman: ... let's talk seriously. Now, for the entrapment, we're gonna have to ask you...
[Egon holds up four fingers]
Dr. Peter Venkman: ... for four big ones, Four thousand dollars for that. But we are having a special this week on proton charging and storage of the beast...
[Egon holds up one finger]
Dr. Peter Venkman: ... and that's only gonna come to one thousand dollars, fortunately.
Hotel Manager: Five thousand dollars? I had no idea it'd be so much. I won't pay it.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, that's all right. We can just put it right back in there. Thank you.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: We certainly can, Dr. Venkman.
[Ray turns back toward the ballroom]
Hotel Manager: [stopping Ray] No, no, NO! All right. Anything.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [handing the manager a check] Thanks so much.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Thank you. Hope we can help you again.
[as he, Peter and Egon leave the hotel, Ray calls out to the witnesses]
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Coming through! One class-five full-roaming vapor. Move 'em out.
[evaluating a site for their business]
Dr. Peter Venkman: What do you think, Egon?
Dr. Egon Spengler: I think this building should be condemned. There's serious metal fatigue in all the load-bearing members, the wiring is substandard, it's completely inadequate for our power needs, and the neighborhood is like a demilitarized zone.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: [shouting from the top of a fireman's pole upstairs] Hey! Does this pole still work?
[slides down]
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Wow. This place is great! When can we move in? You gotta try this pole. I'm gonna get my stuff. Hey! We should stay here, tonight. Sleep here. You know, to try it out.
[Venkman looks at Spengler. Spengler slowly shakes his head. Venkman turns to the real estate agent]
Dr. Peter Venkman: I think we'll take it.
[Janine opens the front door and sees a policeman]
Janine Melnitz: Dropping off or picking up?
Winston Zeddemore: Hey, wait a minute. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hold it! Now, are we actually gonna go before a federal judge, and tell him that some moldy Babylonian god is going to drop in on Central Park West, and start tearing up the city?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Sumerian, not Babylonian.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah. Big difference.
Winston Zeddemore: No offense, guys, but I've gotta get my own lawyer.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [surrounded by excited reporters during the montate sequence, which shows the Ghostbusters as a sudden popular culture craze] Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, no job is too big, no fee is too big!
[a giant marshmallow man crashes through the streets of New York]
Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, there's something you don't see every day.
[in front of the library ghost, their first ghost sighting]
Dr. Peter Venkman: So... what do we do?
[Egon and Ray stare at each other in silence. Peter grabs Ray's ear]
Dr. Peter Venkman: Would you come over here, please? That's it, c'mere Francine. What do we do?
[Egon pulls out a calculator and starts punching in numbers. Peter slaps the machine out of Egon's hand]
Dr. Peter Venkman: STOP THAT!
[while trying to catch the Slimer, the Ghostbusters cause a lot of damage to the hotel with their energy streams]
Dr. Peter Venkman: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Nice shootin', Tex!
Dr. Peter Venkman: All right, I'm gonna turn over the next card. Concentrate... I want you to tell me what you think it is.
[Holds up the card]
Male Student: Uh, square.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Good guess, but wrong.
[Turns over the card and zaps the male student]
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to the female student] Okay,
[Holds up another card]
Dr. Peter Venkman: what is this?
Female Student: Is it a star?
Dr. Peter Venkman: It "is" a star,. very good.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to the male student, and holding up another card] Concentrate. Tell me what this is.
Male Student: Circle.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [Turns over the card] Ooohhh, Close. But most definately wrong.
[Zaps the male student again]
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to the female student] Clear your head.
[Holds up another card]
Dr. Peter Venkman: what is it?
Female Student: A figure 8.
Dr. Peter Venkman: That's 5 for 5, you can't see these can you?
Female Student: No.
Dr. Peter Venkman: You're not cheating me, are you?
Female Student: No. I swear, they're just coming to me.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to the male student] Nervous?
Male Student: [Really is nervous] Yes, I don't like this.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [Holds up another card] We've only got 75 more to go, c'mon what this one.
Male Student: [the card has three wavy lines] It's, a couple of wavy lines.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [Suddenly puts card down] Sorry, this isn't your lucky day.
Male Student: Yeah, I...
[Peter's hand slowly reaches for the zapping trigger]
Male Student: I uh, uh, I uh, I uh.
[Zap]
Male Student: [Annoyed] I'm getting a little tired of this.
Dr. Peter Venkman: You volunteered, didn't you? We're paying you, are we?
Male Student: Yeah, but I didn't know you we're gonna be giving me electric shocks. What are trying to prove here, anyway.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm studying the effect on negative reinforcement on ESP ability.
Male Student: [Aggravated] Effect? I'll tell you the effect is, it's pissing me off!
Janine Melnitz: I've seen TV, I know you can't come in here without a warrant or writ or something!
Walter Peck: [holding up papers] Cease and desist all commerce order, seizure of premises and chattels, ban on use of public utilities for unauthorized waste handlers, and a federal entry and inspection order.
[pushes past her]
[surveying a wrecked apartment building corridor having climbed over thirty flights of stairs with his proton pack]
Dr. Egon Spengler: [casually] Art Deco, very nice.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Well, this is great. If the ionization-rate is constant for all ectoplasmic entities, we can really bust some heads... in a spiritual sense, of course.
[the Ghostbusters HQ blows up]
Louis: [possessed by Vinz Clortho a.k.a. The Keymaster] This is it! This is the sign!
Janine Melnitz: Yeah, it's a sign, all right. "Going out of business."
[Venkman arrives at 55 Central Park West, a few minutes after Louis was chased out by the demon Vinz Clortho]
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to a policeman] What happened?
Policeman at Apartment: Some moron brought a cougar to a party and it went berserk.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [the Ghostbusters are tiring as they climb twenty-two flights of stairs in their proton packs] Where are we?
Dr. Raymond Stantz: [gasps] Looks like we're in the teens... somewhere.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, when we get to twenty, tell me... I'm gonna throw up.
[Inspecting Dana's refrigerator for paranormal activity]
Dr. Peter Venkman: Oh, my *God*. Look at all the junk food!
Dana Barrett: No, goddammit. Look, this wasn't...
Dr. Peter Venkman: You actually eat this stuff?
Dana Barrett: Look, this wasn't here! There was *nothing* here! There was a space and there was a building or something with flames coming out of it, and there were creatures writhing around, and they were growling and snarling. And there were flames, and I heard a voice say "Zuul"! It was right here.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm sorry, I'm just not getting any readings.
Dana Barrett: Well, are you sure you're using that thing correctly?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, I... I think so, but I'm sure there are no animals in there.
Dana Barrett: Well that's great. Either I have a monster in my kitchen or I'm completely crazy.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [smiles] I don't think you're crazy.
Dana Barrett: [sarcastically] Oh, good, that makes me feel so much better.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I don't have to take this abuse from you, I've got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.
Dr. Egon Spengler: [about the storage facility] I'm worried, Ray. It's getting crowded in there, and all my recent data points to something big on the horizon.
Winston Zeddemore: What do you mean "big"?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Well...
[Egon takes a Twinkie]
Dr. Egon Spengler: ...let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. According to this morning's sample, it would be a twinkie... 35 feet long and weighing approximately 600 pounds.
[Ray coughs, in disbelief]
Winston Zeddemore: That's a big Twinkie.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: We could on the verge of a fourfold cross-reap. A P.K.E. surge of incredible, even dangerous proportions!
Dr. Raymond Stantz: This is a major disgrace - forget MIT or Stanford, now. They wouldn't touch us with ten-meter cattle prod.
Dr. Peter Venkman: You're always concerned about your reputation. Einstein did his best stuff when he was working as a patent clerk.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: You know how much a patent clerk earns?
Dr. Peter Venkman: No!
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Personally, I liked the university. They gave us money and facilities - we didn't have to produce anything! You've never been out of college: you don't know what it's like out there. I've worked in the private sector... they expect results.
Dr. Peter Venkman: For whatever reasons, Ray - call it fate, call it luck, call it karma... I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that we were destined to get thrown out of this dump.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: For what purpose?
Dr. Peter Venkman: To go into business for ourselves.
[offers Ray a drink, which he reluctantly accepts]
Dr. Raymond Stantz: This ecto containment system that Spengler and I have in mind is gonna require a load of bread to capitalize. Where are we gonna get the money?
Dr. Peter Venkman: I don't know. I *don't* know.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Hey, Dean Yeager! Are you moving us to a better office on campus?
Dean Yeager: No, you're being moved off campus. The Board of Regents has decided to terminate your grant. You are to vacate these premises immediately.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: What?
Dr. Peter Venkman: This is preposterous. I demand an explanation.
Dean Yeager: Fine. This university will no longer continue any funding of any kind of your group's activities.
Dr. Peter Venkman: But the kids love us!
Dean Yeager: Doctor... Venkman. We believe that the purpose of science is to serve mankind. You, however, seem to regard science as some kind of dodge... or hustle. Your theories are the worst kind of popular tripe, your methods are sloppy, and your conclusions are highly questionable! You are a poor scientist, Dr. Venkman!
Dr. Peter Venkman: I see.
Dean Yeager: And you have no place in this department, or this university.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to the library ghost, as Spengler analyzes her with the P.K.E. Meter and Raymond takes photos] Hello! I'm Peter. Where are you from? Originally.
Library Ghost: Ssshh!
[returns to her reading]
Dr. Peter Venkman: [dejected; motions the others to move behind a bookcase] Alright, okay. The usual stuff isn't working.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Okay, I have a plan. I know exactly what to do.
[they 'stealthily' emerge from behind the bookcase]
Dr. Raymond Stantz: [whispering] Now, stay close. Stay close. I know; do exactly as I say. Get ready! Ready?
[excitedly]
Dr. Raymond Stantz: GET HER!
[the ghost transforms horrifically and snarls aggressively. The trio run away screaming, half in shock, half in amazement]
Dr. Peter Venkman: [hands Egon a petri dish filled with ectoplasmic residue] Egon, your mucus.
[Louis is being chased by the demon Vinz Clortho]
Louis: [frightened] I'm going bring this up with the Tenants' Association. You're not supposed to have pets in the building.
Male Student: [after the beautiful female student has guessed 5 out of 5 cards right while he has "none"; actually he has one] What are you trying to prove here, anyway?
Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm studying the effects of negative reinforcement on ESP ability
Male Student: The effect? I'll tell you what the effect is, it's pissing me off!
Louis: Boy, the superintendent's gonna be pissed!
[Dana has been possessed by the demon Zuul]
Dr. Peter Venkman: I think we can get her a guest shot on "Wild Kingdom." I just whacked her up with about 300 cc's of Thorazaine... she's gonna take a little nap now.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [looking at the temporary sign on Ghostbusters HQ while a worker is hanging it up] You don't think it's too subtle, Marty, you don't think people are going to drive down and not see the sign?
[hears a siren approaching and an old, gray station wagon pulls up in the driveway]
Dr. Peter Venkman: Whoa! Whoa! You can't park right here!
[looks and sees Stantz in the driver's seat]
Dr. Raymond Stantz: [gets out] Everybody can relax, I found the car. Needs some suspension work and shocks. Brakes, brake pads, lining, steering box, transmission, rear-end.
Dr. Peter Venkman: How much?
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Only $4,800.
[Venkman looks shocked]
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Also new rings, mufflers, a little wiring.
Archbishop: Lenny, offically the church won't take any postion with the religious implications of these phenomenons. Personally Lenny, I think it's a sign from God, but don't quote me on that.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I think that's a smart move, Mike.
Dana Barrett: [gets off the elevator and Louis comes out of his apartment]
Louis: Oh, Dana, it's you!
Dana Barrett: Oh hi. Yes Louis, it's me.
Louis: I thought it was the drugstore.
Dana Barrett: Oh, are you sick?
Louis: Oh! No, no, I'm fine, I feel great! Just ordered some more vitamins and stuff. I was just exercising. I taped a 20-minute workout and played it back at high speed on my machine so it only took ten minutes. I got a great workout.
Dana Barrett: Good...
Louis: You wanna come in for a mineral water or something?
Dana Barrett: Oh, I'd really like to, Louis, but I have to go rehearsal now. Excuse me.
Louis: No sweat, I'll take a rain check on that. I always have plenty of low sodium mineral water and other nutritious foods in the house. But you already know that.
Dana Barrett: [dryly] Yeah, I know that...
Louis: Listen, that reminds me, I'm having a big party for all my clients, my fourth anniversary as an accountant, you know, and even though you do your own tax return, which you shouldn't do, I'd like you to stop by, being that you're my neighbor and all.
Dana Barrett: [interrupting] Well thank you, Louis, I'll really try to stop by.
Louis: Listen, that reminds me, you shouldn't leave your TV on so loud when you go out. The creep down the hall phoned the manager.
Dana Barrett: That's strange, I didn't realize I'd left it on.
[unlocks her door]
Louis: [droning on] Well yeah, you know what I did? I climbed on the ledge and tried to disconnect the cable, but I couldn't get in, so you know what I did? I turned my TV up real loud too so everyone would think all our TVs had something wrong with them.
Dana Barrett: [abruptly closing her door] Bye, Louis.
Louis: [alone again] Okay, so I'll see you later, huh? I'll give you a call! I'm going to go have a shower.
[tries to go back into his apartment but he's locked himself out]
Dean Yeager: Your theories are the worst kind of popular tripe, your methods are sloppy, and your conclusions are highly questionable. You are a poor scientist, Dr. Venkman!
Dr. Peter Venkman: [Walter Peck gets kicked out of the Mayor's Office] Bye! I'm gonna get him a nice fruit basket.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [Walter Peck storms out of room] I'm gonna miss him.
[Egon is running tests on Louis who has been possessed by Vince Clortho a.k.a. The Keymaster]
Janine Melnitz: [entering with Peck, Police Sergeant and Con Ed Man] Egon, I tried to stop them. They say they have a warrant.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Excuse me, this is private property.
Walter Peck: Shut this off; shut these all off.
Dr. Egon Spengler: I'm warning you. Turning off these machines would be extremely hazardous.
Walter Peck: No, I'll tell *you* what's hazardous. You're facing Federal prosecution for about a half dozen environmental violations. Now either you shut off these machines, or we'll shut them off for you.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to understand, this a high voltage laser containment system. Simply turning it off would be like dropping a bomb on the city.
Walter Peck: Don't patronize me, I'm not grotesquely stupid, like the people you've bilked!
Dr. Peter Venkman: [arriving, to the officer] At ease officer. I'm Peter Venkman. I'm a partner in this facility and I'm going to cooperate in any way that I can.
Walter Peck: Forget it, Venkman. You had your chance to cooperate, but you though it would be more fun to insult me. Well, now it's my turn, wiseass.
Dr. Egon Spengler: He wants to shut down the protection grid, Peter.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to Peck] You shut that thing down, and *we* are not going to be held responsible for whatever happens.
Walter Peck: Oh yes you will, I'll make sure you will.
Dr. Peter Venkman: No, we won't be.
Walter Peck: [to the electrician] Shut it off.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to the electrician] Don't shut it off. I'm warning ya.
Con Edison Man: I, I never seen anything like this before. I'm not sure...
Walter Peck: [interrupting] I'm not interested in your opinion, just shut it off.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [gets in electrician's way] My friend, don't be a jerk.
Police Sergeant: [gets in Peter's way] Step aside.
Walter Peck: If he does that again, you can shoot him.
Police Sergeant: You do *your* job, pencilneck. Don't tell me how to do mine.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Thank you, officer.
Walter Peck: [aggravatingly shouting] Shut it off!
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Every ancient religion has its own myth about the end of the world.
Winston Zeddemore: Myth? Ray, has it ever occurred to you that maybe the reason we've been so busy lately is because the dead HAVE been rising from the grave?
[long pause]
Dr. Raymond Stantz: [Turns on radio] How 'bout a little music?
[in jail, the Ghostbusters study the blueprints of Dana's apartment building]
Dr. Egon Spengler: The structure of this roof cap is exactly like the kind of telemetry tracker that NASA uses to identify dead pulsars in deep space.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Cold-riveted girders with cores of pure selenium.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to a cellmate looking over his shoulder blueprints] Everybody getting this so far?
[to Ray]
Dr. Peter Venkman: So what? I guess they just don't make them like they used to.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: [impatiently slaps Peter on the forehead] No! Nobody *ever* made them like this! I mean, the architect was either a certified genius, or an authentic wacko!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Ray... for a moment, pretend that I don't know anything about metallurgy, engineering or physics, and just tell me what the hell is going on.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: You never studied. The whole building is a huge, superconductive antenna that was designed and built expressly for the purpose of pulling in and concentrating spiritual turbulence. Your girlfriend lives in the corner penthouse of spook central.
Dr. Peter Venkman: She's not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she's a client and sleeps above her covers. *Four feet* above her covers. She barks, she drools, she claws...
Dr. Egon Spengler: It's not the girl, Peter, it's the building. Something terrible is about to enter our world, and this building is obviously the door. The architect's name was Ivo Shandor. I found it in Tobin's Spirit Guide. He was also a doctor. Performed a lot of unnecessary surgery. And then, in 1920, he started a secret society...
Dr. Peter Venkman: Let me guess: Gozer worshipers.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Right.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to Ray] No studying.
Dr. Egon Spengler: After the First World War, Shandor decided that society was too sick to survive.
[He pauses, glancing uneasily at the rest of the holding cell crowd]
Dr. Egon Spengler: And he wasn't alone. He had close to a thousand followers when he died. They conducted rituals up on the roof, bizarre rituals intended to bring about the end of the world. And now it looks like it may actually happen.
[Silence]
Dr. Peter Venkman: [spins around to face another of the inmates, and starts singing] So be good, for goodness sake! Whoa... somebody's coming!
Dr. Peter Venkman: As a friend, I have to tell ya you've finally gone around the bend on this ghost business. You guys have been running your ass off, meetin' and greetin' every schizo in the five boroughs who says he has a paranormal experience. What have you seen?
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Of course you forget, Peter. I was present at an undersea, unexplained mass sponge migration.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Ray, the sponges migrated about a foot-and-a-half.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I'll take Miss Barrett back to her apartment and check her out.
[Dana Barrett looks up confused]
Dr. Peter Venkman: I'll go check out Miss Barrett's apartment. OK?
[Ray and Peter have been fired]
Dr. Raymond Stantz: This is a major disgrace. Forget MIT or Stanford now. They wouldn't touch us with a 10-meter cattle prod.
Dr. Peter Venkman: You're always so concerned about your reputation. Einstein did his best stuff when he was working as a patent clerk!
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Do you know how much a patent clerk earns?
Dr. Peter Venkman: No!
Dr. Raymond Stantz: [training Winston] This is where we put all the vapors and entities and slimers that we trap. Quite simple really. Load a trap here, open, unlock the system. Insert the trap, release, close, lock the system. Set your entry grid, neutralize your field and... the light is green, the trap is clean! The ghost is incarcerated here in our custom-made storage facility.
Dr. Peter Venkman: oh, wait, wait, i've always wanted to do this! and...
[he yanks the tablecloth off of one of the tables, upsetting and breaking everything except a vase of flowers on the center of the table]
Dr. Peter Venkman: [shouting while offscreen] the flowers are still standing!
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Gozer the Gozerian, good evening. As a duly designated representative of the city, county, and state of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [after capturing Slimer] We came, we saw, we've kick its ass.
Hotel Manager: You've seen it? What was it?
Dr. Raymond Stantz: We've got it.
[Holds up the smoking ghost trap]
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Sir, what we have here is what we call a non-repeating phantasm, or a class-5 free roaming vapor, real nasty one too.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Okay.
[Clears throat]
Dr. Peter Venkman: Let's talk serious, for the entrapment, we're gonna ask you for 4 big ones $4,000 for that, but we are having a special this week on proton charging, and storage of the beast, so we are gonna ask for $1,000 fortunate.
Hotel Manager: $5,000 I had no idea it would be so much, I won't pay it.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Oh, that's okay we can just put it right back in there.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: We most certainly can, Dr. Venkman
Hotel Manager: [Stops Ray] No, no, NO! Anything.
[Peter hands the manager a check]
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Thank you. We hope that we can help you again.
Dr Ray Stantz: [after Ray thinks of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and it appears, stomping through New York City] I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never, ever possibly destroy us. Mr. Stay Puft.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Nice thinking, Ray.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: [telling Winston, who is new to the team on how to place ghosts in the storage facility] This is where we store all the vapors and entities and slimers that we trap. Very simple, really. A loaded trap here... open, unlock the system... insert the trap... release... close, lock the system. Set your entry grid... neutronize your field... and...
[Ray pulls a lever and the green light comes on]
Dr. Raymond Stantz: ...when the light is green, the trap is clean. The ghost is incarcerated here in our custom-made storage facility.
Larry King: Hi, this is Larry King. The phone-in topic Today: "Ghosts and Ghostbusting." The controversy builds, more sightings are reported, some maintain that these professional paranormal eliminators in New York are the cause of it all.
Casey Kasem: Still making headlines all across the country, the Ghostbusters are at it again. This time, at the fashionable dance club, "The Rose." The boys in gray slugged it out with a pretty pesky poltergeist, then stayed on to dance the night away with some of the lovely ladies who witnessed the disturbance. This is Casey Kasem. Now, on with the countdown.
Louis: [possessed by Vinz Clortho] I am The Keymaster!
Dana Barrett: [possessed by Zuul] I am The Gatekeeper!
Louis: [cornered by the the demon Vinz Clortho] Nice doggy. Cute little pooch. Maybe I've got a Milk-Bone.
[the Victorian Lady Ghost is floating in mid-air, reading a book]
Dr. Raymond Stantz: [excitedly] A full torso apparition, and it's real.
Jail Guard: Okay, Ghostbusters. The mayor wants to see you guys. The whole island's going crazy. Let's go.
[unlocks cell door]
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to the other inmates] I gotta split. The mayor wants to rap with me about some things.
[alternate wording from cable TV version]
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Your honor, our system was working just fine until the power grid was turned off by wally wick here.
Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!
Mayor: [to Venkman] Is this true?
Dr. Peter Venkman: It's true, your honor. The man is some kind of rodent, I don't know which.
[Dana is at home doing exercises as she watches the news on television]
Roger Grimsby: Good morning, I'm Roger Grimsby. Today, the entire Eastern Seaboard is alive with talk of incidents of paranormal activity. Alleged ghost sightings and related supernatural occurances have been reported across the entire Tri-State area.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Personally, I liked working for the university! They gave us money and facilities. We didn't have to produce anything. You've never been out of college. You don't know what it's like out there! I've worked in the private sector... they expect results!
[first lines]
Dr. Peter Venkman: All right, I'm gonna turn over the next card. Concentrate... I want you to tell me what you think it is.
Janine Melnitz: [on the phone] Is it just a mist, or does it have arms and legs?
TV Reporter: [reporting on the Ghostbusters] Well, everybody's heard ghost stories around the campfire. Heck, my grandma used to spin yarns about a spectral locomotive that would rocket past the farm where she grew up! But now, as if some unforeseen authority...
Dr. Egon Spengler: Boy, it's getting crowded in there and my analysis points to something big on the horizon.
Winston Zeddemore: What do you mean "big"?
Dr. Egon Spengler: [Holding a Twinkie] Let's say this Twinkie represents all of the Psychokinetic Energy in the New York area. According to this morning's sample, it'll be a Twinkie...... 35 feet long and weighing approximately 600 lbs.
Winston Zeddemore: [Ray coughs in disbelief] That's a big Twinkie.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: We can be on the verge of a four-fold cross rip. A PKE surge of incredible, even dangerous proportions.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [Coming in] We just got a visit from the Environmental Protection Agency. How's the grid holdin' up?
Dr. Egon Spengler: It's not good.
Winston Zeddemore: [to Egon] Tell him about the Twinkie.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What about the Twinkie?
[the Ghostbusters arrive at the Sedgewick Hotel in Ecto-1, fully decked out in uniform and gear]
Dr. Peter Venkman: [entering the main lobby] HEY, ANYBODY SEEN A GHOST?
[a pretty lady goes by. They all stare appreciatively. The Hotel Manager comes running up behind them]
Hotel Manager: Thank you for coming so quickly!
Dr. Peter Venkman: [startled] JESUS!
Hotel Manager: The guests are starting to ask questions and I'm running out of excuses.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Has it happened before?
Hotel Manager: Well, most of the original staff knows about the twelfth floor; the disturbances, I mean. But it's been quiet for years! Up until two weeks ago. It was never, ever this bad, though!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Did you ever report it to anyone?
Hotel Manager: Heavens, no!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Oh, no. You kidding?
Hotel Manager: The owners don't even like us to talk about it. I hope we can take care of this. Quietly! Tonight!
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Yes sir, don't worry. We handle this kind of thing all the time!
Walter Peck: [after being hit by fifty gallons worth of melted marshmallow, screams hysterically] I HATE YOU, VENKMAN!
[the Ecto-1 is getting a police escort to Dana's apartment building]
Dr. Peter Venkman: Come on! Let's run some red lights!
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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087332/quotes/qt0475985
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